I was born in Alabama to a loving family, with an older brother by one year and caring parents. Both of my parents came from very religious backgrounds, which was the basis of my upbringing. My mother was a nun for 10 years and decided to leave the convent to pursue her dream of going to college. She met my father on a retreat when he was a Catholic monk. He left the monestary shorter after to marry her and precede to have my brother and I. Even though my parents were very religious, they weren’t overly strict and always supported our creativity and uniqueness. We moved almost every year or two during my childhood for my dad's school or work. Right before I entered 6th grade, we moved to Cypress, California and my parents put me in a private Catholic school.
It was difficult entering a small, private school but I slowly made friends. I had always been a happy child but junior high became an especially difficult time. My family was suffering with my dad’s alcoholism, which only seemed to be getting worse. I became depressed and my self-esteem dropped. I was also embarrassed to bring friends home because of my father, so I spent more and more time escaping to my friends’ houses or at church youth group activities. Slowly, my faith in God and devotion to the traditions of the church grew, as I began to feel supported and encouraged by my peers and elders in faith. I stopped feeling as influenced by my father’s behaviors and started understanding who I was. By the time high school started, I was a happy, energized young girl who looked optimistically toward the future. I tried adamantly to maintain the church’s standard of purity, especially being pleased with my decision to remain a virgin until marriage. My virginity was my most treasured possession that I felt was in my control and keeping. It made me feel stronger and more confident as a woman.
Life changed drastically during my freshman year. I was at an all-girl school and for the first time, boys at youth group were starting to pay attention to me. I spent all my time at school or church youth group. I became friends with some of the seniors at church and felt like they cared for me as if I was their younger sister. One Sunday afternoon, one of the young men invited me to the mall and afterward, brought me back to his parent's house and raped me in his bedroom. I went home that day and tried to understand what had happened. All I knew was that I told him I didn't want to have sex with him, but either way, I was no longer a virgin. My most precious treasure, my gift to my future husband, had been stolen from me.
I plunged into a downward spiral of self-destruction and hatred. My childhood ended in that instant and I became a recluse, not being able to relate to any of the girls around me. Since my life revolved around the church, all of my friends were also proud virgins. Loosing my virginity was like exiling me to another country. I changed schools to a public high school a couple months later to get away from the memories and shortly after, I began using drugs and having promiscuous sex. My self-esteem dwindled as I began to believe I was dirty and worthless.
I starting dating a young man during the middle of my sophomore year and he became somewhat of my savior during this time. He refused to date me if I did drugs or smoked, so I quit and he also didn’t want to have sex with me. This was an odd shift in direction from where I was headed, and I was frustrated at his refusal to participate in my self-hatred. Yet, he was the only thing that could make me laugh during this time, and I couldn’t help but take refuge in his care. This relationship kept my head above water for about a year. I learned how to be social again and how to smile in public and appear happy.
But when I was alone, I was a wreck. I cried all the time and then the nightmares started. The nightmares got worse and worse, until I was afraid to go to sleep. I would close my eyes and see myself being raped. I dreaded going to bed and began doing focused imagery to be able to sleep at night. Those years of nightmares were an awful time. Being raped once was bad enough, seeing it every night was horrifying and eventually led me to persistent thoughts of suicide.
I transferred to another all-girl school junior year and made some really wonderful friends. I broke up with my boyfriend during that year and started to find ways to degrade myself again.I stopped going to church and believing in God. I started having unprotected sex with men who didn’t care about me. I stripped myself of all femininity and took on the appearance of a boy. This was also the beginning of my anger stage. I listened to angry music and even became physically violent towards my peers at school. It wasn't until the end of senior year that I recognized what had happened to me was rape and knew that I needed help. I told my parents and started therapy shortly after.
By the end of high school, I felt spiritually lost. I questioned why an innocent child had to endure such pain. Therapy helped me to stop wanting to die, to learn how to value my life and be excited about moving on to college. I only went for 3 months, after which, I felt ready to move on with my life. The rape seemed so far away at that point. I began finding out who I was and letting go of the anger I held onto for so many years. Once I started college, I slowly started being afraid of death, a hidden fear that grew stronger each day. I started having horrible thoughts about getting hurt again. And then I began to believe someone was trying to kill me. I was constantly trying to protect myself and never wanted to be alone. These thoughts increased until I had panic attacks five times a week. In addition to panic attacks, I was displaying obsessive/compulsive behaviors.
When I finished high school and therapy the first time, I thought my rape issues were over.I was shocked 6 years after the rape to find out how much I was still being influenced by it. It was especially difficult during that time for other people to recognize that I was suffering because I was so happy when people were around me. I was outgoing, an honors student, in a great relationship. I loved life and wanted to live every moment. Yet it was with this renewal of loving life that my biggest fears manifested. These fears made me feel crazy, yet, when reading the list of reactions to rape, I realize that all of my symptoms are completely normal for rape survivors. It is relieving to know that it isn’t just me who reacts in this way but women all over the world are experiencing the same things and also feeling isolated because of it.I am sharing my story with women because it is important for survivors to have adequate resources to help them in their healing process. It is also useful for survivor's loved ones to be able to read sexual assault stories to better support them.